A Dog Show Person

There was a time, there really was,
When I was sweet and tender,
when SHOW DOG meant a Disney Star,
And Bitch was not a gender.

I went to bed at half past ten,
I went to church on Sunday.
On Saturday I baked the beans,
And did the wash on Monday.

But then I got a certain pup,
And an erstwhile friend said, "SHOW"
And so I did, and so I do, OH!
What I didn't know.

I used to dress with flair and style,
That was the life, don't knock it.
But now each dress from bed to ball
Must have a good bait pocket.

I used to have a certain air,
I wallowed in perfume,
I used to smell of Nuit D'Amour,
Now I smell like Mr. Groom.

My furniture was haut decor,
My pets a tank of guppies,
Now I've furniture unstuffed,
And well-adjusted puppies.

Once I spoke in pristine prose,
In dulcet tones and frail,
But now I'm using language,
That would turn a sailor pale
I was taught to be well-groomed
No matter where I went.
Now all the grooming that I do Is in the handler's tent.

I used to long for clothes and jewels,
And a figure classed as super,
Now the thing I yearn for most Is a nice new Pooper-Scooper.

I adored a man who murmured verse
Through intimate little dinners,
But now the words I thrill to hear
Are just three-"Best of Winners"

I rise at dawn and pack the car
The road ahead's a long one.
The one I routed on the maps Invariably the wrong one.
I really love this doggy life I wouldn't care to change it.
But when I get that BEST IN SHOW I plan to rearrange it.

And when my time on earth is done, I
'll go without much nudging.
Just give me three weeks closing date,
And let me know who's judging.

author unknown